I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
