You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
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She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
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Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...