I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
