You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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