all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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