I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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