When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
