1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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