As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
