Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
