he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
