I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
