pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
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