my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
