apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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