I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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