i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
