Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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