Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
