I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
