How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
4 words: hood of his car
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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