I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
