And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
