did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
