then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Your cock deserves a montage
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
