you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize