This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
