Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
