Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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