Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
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