There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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