she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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