the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
