Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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