"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
