I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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