also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
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