The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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