He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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