I met the friendliest cop last night
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
