New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
