i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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