Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
