So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
