I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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