what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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