I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Soap is not a condiment
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
