my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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