Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
