i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
