u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
