Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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