Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
