Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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