last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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