I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
