dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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