I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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