This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
